As I hit my 36th birthday tomorrow and think about the new year, I have already decided that 2019 WILL BE MY BEST YEAR YET. It’s done. I get to choose how to look at everything and make it the BEST or worst.Continue reading
When Danny was in the depths of one of his depressive stages he said “if anything I’m learning here can help my kids it will be worth it.”Continue reading
There were some people I needed to forgive along this journey.
It was tempting to hang on to my anger and not forgive certain people, but I realized that when I withhold forgiveness to punish someone with my emotions, I am only punishing myself.
About five years ago my husband stopped buying me presents on holidays.
If he did give me something he would wing some sort of gift like 5 minutes before giving it to me—it was pretty obvious, ha!
The phrase “my marriage is complicated” is a thought.
An optional thought.Continue reading
I didn’t want to feel trapped in marriage, I wanted to choose it.Continue reading
“Little trauma can look like the side effects of not making the volleyball team in high school. Ultimately, it can take the face of anxiety, depression, etc.Continue reading
I felt 100% sure that he needed to hear everything I had to say. I’m sure I wanted him to change something about his actions. He may not have agreed but in that moment held space for me.Continue reading
Have you ever heard of the drama triangle? “Me? Yeah right I’m not dramatic.” This mentality can sneak up on us—I know it has on me.Continue reading
My husband sometimes told me he had suicidal thoughts and leave for a run that same day. I would think thoughts like “I don’t know if he’s going to come home.”Continue reading
Can we all relate to the term of cross-addiction? Probably.
Years ago I cut out sweets and guess what it was replaced with? Online shopping. I was emotionally eating to feel better. When I cut sweets out of my life I simply replaced the action with online shopping.Continue reading
Guess who’s to blame for my anger? Me and ONLY me.Continue reading
When looking in the mirror I used to say things like “ugh, this isn’t me.” How did this serve me?
How did I get from that to where I am today? I’ll show you.Continue reading
I came home from my sabbatical thinking thoughts like “Ok, it’s time to get back in gear. I need to sign up for a race again to push me to exercise. I need to get back into shape.”
Lets take the drama out of this. The number on my scale was higher than it had ever been. How did the thought “I need to get back in gear” serve me? It led me to feel rejected. What did I do after that? I dissociated from my body. But by doing that I was building a case for myself that my body was not acceptable. This, all because of my thoughts, no one else’s!
At some point in my past I learned to dissociate from my body to avoid feeling physical pain (e.g. push though hard workouts and not listen to my body).
When the betrayal trauma hit, I instinctively did the same to avoid the emotional pain.
Anyway . . . I had this thought that I needed to get back into shape and I wasn’t motivated—which wasn’t typical of the Lindsay I had identified with in the past. I was in a lesser PTSD-like state. I hired a personal trainer to “get me to the gym.” Honestly, that was the only thing happening. I was only going to the action and not getting to the root.
Five sessions in I told my trainer I felt like I needed to do . . . yoga? She agreed.
I signed up at a cute little studio in Alpine—it was exactly what I needed.
I began listening to my body and it’s cues. I connected to myself like I never had in my life. Even though other long workouts in the past helped me feel better, a different thing was happening here.
I was nourishing something new. This new idea/belief that my body was perfectly loveable as it was.
I felt so much love. It felt incredible. This was a process. I didn’t go from I hate my body to I love my body in a few seconds, it took shifting my thinking from where it was to something slightly more believable. But it worked!
Instead of thinking “time to get back into gear” I thought “I have a body that has done some seriously amazing things.” I felt honored. I was willing to connect with myself and consequently re-connect with and accept it.
This transformation of beliefs is real ya’ll. This is one small example of how empowering it has been to learn to manage my mind. Loving myself now means loving myself unconditionally.
I don’t have to wait for a number on the scale to accept myself completely. The acceptance can happen now, so that I’m already that person before I even reach my goals.
Reconnecting with family after a busy tax season.Continue reading