I’d like to preface these posts with a few thoughts – this is where my thinking was THREE YEARS AGO, not today. I can’t change the past, but I can rewrite my thoughts about it (this has been monumental to my healing).
I thought I had it all, three healthy children, incredible hardworking spouse, a beautiful home, etc.
Continuing from the prior post, in a span of 4-5 days some things I was certain of no longer existed.
I was no longer certain that my husband loved me fully and completely.
I was no longer certain that I could trust my husband.
I was no longer certain of our financial future as a family.
I was no longer certain that I was good enough. I had a three-month-old baby so of course my body was recovering from that business, it felt like I had gotten hit while I was already down.
I felt the deep betrayal from the man I trusted most. Nothing had ever shaken me to my core like this.
Some deep-seeded beliefs I thought I had gotten rid of came back with a vengeance.
In my first therapy session the general therapist told me to make time for self-care. I was a little annoyed. “Uh, I don’t need self-care, I need tools to help my husband!” I never went back to that therapist but she was right. I needed to learn to take care of myself.
I had this recurring thought that “we need to get Danny the best possible healthcare, etc. so that he could go back to work again and things could go back to normal.”
I meant it in the purest and most loving way I knew, but we weren’t ever going to get back to our old normal.
According to Jill Thomas’s analogy Seeing Green, I had lived in a life of blue and it was great. Soooo great. I was content with blue. When these successive events occurred I was thrust into yellow. I didn’t like yellow! Blue was comfortable, blue was good, “take me back!” I cried.
Jill said that living life in blue, then yellow, she eventually saw green as the Master had intended. A space where she could experience blue and yellow together—and glorious green!
I welled up as I listened thinking “but what if I don’t want to see green?” At this point I couldn’t imagine that possibility. There was a glimmer of hope, but I had some work to do.
I was in a state of betrayal trauma and exhibited PTSD-like symptoms. According to Dr. Kevin Skinner, trauma is a separation from self, others, and society that occurs based on what one has experienced. We can become separated from our mindfulness, thoughts, and body sensations.
This was me. In the past I was able to disassociate from my body to get through a tough workout or avoid negative emotions—I now did this instinctively to avoid the pain I didn’t have tools to handle. Another thing Kevin Skinner mentioned is his belief that you can’t separate trauma and PTSD. PTSD is a manifestation of trauma.
I knew I needed to grieve but didn’t know how. Kathy Kinghorn, a specialized CSAT therapist, helped me do what I couldn’t do for myself.
She helped me process and release my trauma.
I still had a long way to go in my recovery, but I was making progress.
Looking back, I did have it all: three healthy children, a hardworking HUMAN husband, a beautiful house, and more. We have created a new normal that I love and I can now say I’m seeing green! It took time to get here, and my point in sharing is for those who are looking for some hope to cling to.