My anger/despair I reconciled with God

All my life I had this mentality that if I “check the boxes” life would be good. This was a thought. An optional thought that I chose to believe.

High school graduate, √

Technical undergraduate degree, √

Met and married a nice man with similar values, √

Technical Master’s degree, √

Supported spouse as he went for career dreams, √

Worked my booty off while he was in dental school, √

Passed the CPA exam, √

I’d checked off all these boxes and chose to think that I was entitled to coast through a pretty chill life. Sure we’d still have problems, but at least we did a lot of upfront leg-work to get these accomplishments under our belts so that future problems would be ‘less hard.’

I had my first baby, Maya, and said goodbye to the working world for a while. I was elated to be in a situation where I could be home with my baby. I had enough hobbies and sociability to feel fulfilled.

Competed in and finished my second olympic triathlon, √

Hubs graduated from dental school, √

We reached our goals! We moved to Oregon. We had another baby, Marcus.

We set more goals like doing Insanity every day for the duration of the program, √

Moved back to Utah to be closer to family.

D found a great job and was on track to become a partner, √

We moved into a house in a beautiful neighborhood, √

I got certified to become a spin instructor, √

We had our third baby, Gwen.

The pressure Danny was putting on himself to be everything—perfectly—was too much.

He had his first panic attack. Everything changed.

I was left feeling more alone than I ever had before. Trying to keep it together in front of the kids and repeatedly questioning God, “Why?!? Why me?! Why us?!? We checked off these damn boxes! We are good people, we have done good things! We have been responsible! This isn’t fair!”

I grieved, I complained to God, my faith was questioned and tested.

Although it was getting chipped at, my foundation remained strong. I was still mad/confused at God.

I spent a lot of time questioning this path that was “thrust upon me”—It’s not what I chose. I received blessings that said that God was aware of me. Those sustained my inkling of hope that things could get better.

Gradually, as I opened up more to God, I chose to think thoughts that led to me feeling His influence more in my life.

Today, when I look back at where I was during this time, I don’t regret my thoughts directed towards him. I think of Heavenly Father as this Being with a killer self-esteem. He would have wanted me to go to him with all my fears, doubts, worries, anger, etc. He can handle it without taking it personally (I was taking everything personally). Just like we would want our children to come to us with their fears, I believe Heavenly Father wants the same.

Finally, after three years, I’m seeing the green my friends. I have made a lot of unorthodox decisions over the past year, but I feel strongly that God is guiding me through this journey of life. It’s crazy. It’s hard. It’s crazy hard.

I’m starting to see the bigger purpose of my trials, and it’s beautiful. I love who I have become through this. I love that even if I had to step back a bit from my communication with Heavenly Father and take time to assess things He stayed constant. I love that when I decided to open back up to Him He was there, as He had always been, waiting for me with open arms.