My spouse was the one with the unmanageable health problems, yet I was feeling shame—why? Why was I feeling shame because of something/someone I had zero control over? I literally had zero control over his health, his actions, his mind, his ability to work—yet I felt shame.
Where was it stemming from?
At this point, I did not know. In the beginning Danny wanted to keep his health problems a secret, so I followed suit. Guess what shame thrives off of? Secrets.
Danny felt shame, I felt shame, we both had thoughts that created these feelings. His and my actions reinforced the same thing: shame.
At some point for me the silence became unbearable. This was becoming my story too and I needed support (not support to fix him, but to learn how to manage in this situation).
I told a trusted friend. It connected us. She was one of the many angels on earth that kept our family afloat during the busiest times. I told another trusted friend. Turned out she could relate, was a few years ahead of me and was in a place to be another angel.
HOW FREAKING AMAZING IS THIS??!?
Every time I chose to be vulnerable with someone I felt safe with, connection immediately followed (see Brene Brown’s research that confirms this). Why is it that I had so much shame in the beginning? The shame I felt in the beginning had nothing to do with Danny and everything to do with my thoughts.
I was the most fearful of opening up to our old dental school friends. I think it had to do with my insecurities during that phase of my life. And the crazy (but no longer surprising) thing is that these friends wanted only to love and support us! Through my mind management I got to a place where I was excited to go to a dental school reunion last summer! I was excited about being excited to go see old friends!
If this reunion would have been two years earlier, I would not have gone. All of this, and IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF ME LEARNING TO MANAGE MY MIND.
Literally, the circumstance of Danny not working hadn’t changed, but the way I thought about it did and this has made all the difference in the universe.
If you are suffering in silence with anything similar and need support, find safe people to reach out to. I don’t know where the line is between respecting your husband’s privacy and taking care of yourself, but find it—and if you need support, get some. It made a huge difference for me. God works through humans on this earth.
Surrounding yourself with trustworthy safe humans can be one of the best gifts you give yourself.
Do you need help or do you know someone that could use my help? Please share.