I came home from my sabbatical thinking thoughts like “Ok, it’s time to get back in gear. I need to sign up for a race again to push me to exercise. I need to get back into shape.”
Lets take the drama out of this. The number on my scale was higher than it had ever been. How did the thought “I need to get back in gear” serve me? It led me to feel rejected. What did I do after that? I dissociated from my body. But by doing that I was building a case for myself that my body was not acceptable. This, all because of my thoughts, no one else’s!
At some point in my past I learned to dissociate from my body to avoid feeling physical pain (e.g. push though hard workouts and not listen to my body).
When the betrayal trauma hit, I instinctively did the same to avoid the emotional pain.
Anyway . . . I had this thought that I needed to get back into shape and I wasn’t motivated—which wasn’t typical of the Lindsay I had identified with in the past. I was in a lesser PTSD-like state. I hired a personal trainer to “get me to the gym.” Honestly, that was the only thing happening. I was only going to the action and not getting to the root.
Five sessions in I told my trainer I felt like I needed to do . . . yoga? She agreed.
I signed up at a cute little studio in Alpine—it was exactly what I needed.
I began listening to my body and it’s cues. I connected to myself like I never had in my life. Even though other long workouts in the past helped me feel better, a different thing was happening here.
I was nourishing something new. This new idea/belief that my body was perfectly loveable as it was.
I felt so much love. It felt incredible. This was a process. I didn’t go from I hate my body to I love my body in a few seconds, it took shifting my thinking from where it was to something slightly more believable. But it worked!
Instead of thinking “time to get back into gear” I thought “I have a body that has done some seriously amazing things.” I felt honored. I was willing to connect with myself and consequently re-connect with and accept it.
This transformation of beliefs is real ya’ll. This is one small example of how empowering it has been to learn to manage my mind. Loving myself now means loving myself unconditionally.
I don’t have to wait for a number on the scale to accept myself completely. The acceptance can happen now, so that I’m already that person before I even reach my goals.