Feeling like a victim to your husband’s porn use?
Wondering if it’s possible to repair your marriage?
Feeling committed to your husband but confused about what his porn use means for you?
Wondering what’s real and not real in your marriage?
Heal from the emotional wounds that tend to come after finding out his past or present porn use.
Know in your bones that his actions have NOTHING to do with you, your beauty, worth, and lovability.
Find strength and clarity for yourself, and your marriage.
Rise up, discover, and step into the energy of the incredible woman that you already are.
This can happen whether he’s stopping, stopped, or not stopping his behavior.
On our latest podcast episode (#49), Danny asked me a question.
"Looking back, what would you have chosen?
🔷Option A: Me (Danny) figure out my porn use, change all the things you wanted me to change so you could “be ok” first, or
🔷Option B: You get coaching, liberate yourself and find your peace, then see what happens with me."
If you would have asked me this 4 years ago I would have said option A—duh.
Looking back, I have a different perspective.
Looking back, I see what the circumstance of his porn use brought to the surface for me.
It brought to the surface MY lack of self-concept, self-belief, and self-love.
My healing came when I turned inward and developed those three things.
His porn use didn’t CREATE the problem for me, it brought to the surface 💩💩 beliefs I’d had for years (and quite possibly decades).
Me learning of his porn use—and choosing to get help—accelerated the development of my self-love.
Me learning of his porn use—and choosing to get help—brought my true self out in a way it never had.
I learned some lessons in years that could have taken DECADES (or never).
I learned who my true friends were.
I found my tribe and now have deeper connections with humans than ever before.
This came because
I) I chose to get help,
II) I chose to face the truth that I had, in fact, created and compounded a fair amount of my own pain which then
III) enabled me to connect with myself on a deeper level than ever before and heal.
And while I don’t wish porn use or lying to be a part of anyone’s marriages, it’s something that simply exists.
Because it existed for me, I choose option B.
My freedom came when I TURNED INWARD and got to know who Lindsay Poelman really is.
Xxx
P.S. I have some really fun additions coming to my program for new and current clients, so stay tuned!
I vividly remember the moment this picture was taken.
We’d been through so much over the past 4 years.
🔷Husband revealing to me that he’d lied about porn use, him not working for years due to non-functioning anxiety/depression and some childhood trauma that came to a head, me suddenly working again with three kids aged 5 and below, and so much more.
🔷There was so much grief to be had. Grief for the life I thought I deserved. Grief for the life I thought I’d earned.
It was so much you guys.
It was so much for him.
It was a lot for me.
Ok I digress.
This picture though.📷
I remember it so well because this was us on the other side. I’d learned so much; he had too.
We were both squeezing each other a little extra this day.
Because we’d gone through the mud. Together. And because the way he words his experience is so profound, I’ll just speak for myself for a minute.
I went through some mud. I tried a lot of different things. Some things worked, others didn’t.
But knowing these three things was key to my healing and transformation:
1️⃣ I decided it was ok to give myself permission to want more for myself.
2️⃣ I decided to take positive action on my own behalf.
3️⃣ I believed that change was possible.
Doing/believing the words above helped me develop the clarity needed to find freedom, peace, and fulfilment in my marriage again.
This is what we talk about in our latest podcast (click the link in bio for more details).
Ladies (and men too), change is possible.
🔷Things can get better, ESPECIALLY if you take positive action on your OWN behalf.
🔷You can change the dance of your marriage, even if it’s just you switching up your steps.
It really could be that simple.
If you’re scared, or don’t know what steps to take, I’ve got your back.👊🏻
🔷Your next step could simply be getting in touch with me and setting up a call to chat.
xxx
What’er thy focus
Becomes your prognosis.
I’m serious though.
Whether your shooting for the stars,
Or running away from that one thing...
Whatever you focus on, you create more of.
I went through a little 2-day rut recently and I could have used all the reasons: hormones, holidays, covid outlook etc as the cause for feeling down.
But when I took some time to write, I saw what words were looping through my brain.
The thoughts led me to feel pretty down.
When I was down, the actions that followed weren’t what I wanted at the time (or maybe they were because that’s what I chose?).
My point is that once I brought awareness to the subconcious thoughts steering the ship, I was able to change directions.
And within hours, I was feeling like a million bucks again.
Maybe there were some thoughts that felt true.
And . . . maybe choosing to call them out as non-factual while focusing on other thoughts was just what the doctor (ahem—moi) ordered.
So—where do you want your focus to be today?
Xxx
They say that the cure for anything is Salt Water, Sweat, Tears, or the Sea.
I think they’re on to something.
A lot of my healing came through various ways listed above.
The overall theme I see is FLOW.
Things give, things take, waves crash, waves break.
And I want it all.
As hard as it can be to process pain, grieve, and heal....it may be the option where you get to feel alive in all of it.
If you offered me a cave or sea, even with the wind, the heat, the rain, sea tomatoes, jelly fish, I’d take the sea.
Because you know that there are also light breezes, sunrises, sunsets.
Maybe this thing called life is so much more than modern day cave-like comfort.
Maybe there is no right way, just different options.
If you’ve got something you know you want to move through, have you ever thought about what’s on the other side?
Xxx
P.s. photocred from my neighbor down the street 👌🏻
What would it look like to intentionally create space for grief AND gratitude in our lives? Let me explain ⬇️
I read a beautiful quote this morning:
“The work of the mature person is to
Carry grief in one hand and
Gratitude in the other and to be
Stretched large by them.
How much Sorrow can I hold?
That’s how much Gratitude I can give.
If I carry only Grief,
I’ll bend toward cynicism and Despair.
If I have only gratitude,
I’ll become saccharine and won’t
Develop much compassion for other
People’s suffering.
Grief keeps the heart fluid and soft,
Which helps make compassion possible.”
So as we open up to grief, it’s possible that it expands the depths of compassion and gratitude we can feel.
For you, maybe grief recently passed.
Maybe you’re in the throws of grief—if you wanted to (and if you’re ready), you can still feel gratitude.
🤍🤍Wherever you are, let it be, until it no longer needs to be.🤍🤍
Grief is a reminder of our “aliveness.” Of the depths of our being.
When I allow myself to feel grief for what it is, it becomes oddly beautiful and invigorating.
Tell me, what has your experience been with any of this?
Xxx
There’s no one else I’d rather spend a full day of civic training in a tiny windowless room with. #givethanks
P.s. Do any of you guys see your reflection when you’re out and think “I guess this is what a bank robber version of me would look like?” Hope it’s not just me 🤣🤣🤣