Feeling like a victim to your husband’s porn use?
Wondering if it’s possible to repair your marriage?
Feeling committed to your husband but confused about what his porn use means for you?
Wondering what’s real and not real in your marriage?
Heal from the emotional wounds that tend to come after finding out his past or present porn use.
Know in your bones that his actions have NOTHING to do with you, your beauty, worth, and lovability.
Find strength and clarity for yourself, and your marriage.
Rise up, discover, and step into the energy of the incredible woman that you already are.
This can happen whether he’s stopping, stopped, or not stopping his behavior.
I had an experience last week that would have shaken me to the core 5 years ago.
A woman stormed into my yard, yelled in my face, and complained about my parenting in front of a friend and a bunch of kids.
If this would have happened 5 years ago I would have felt guilt, self-judgment, and shame.
I would have tried to explain myself to my friend.
But guess what?
I didn’t need to.
Because I know that what other people say about my parenting is irrelevant. What other people are doing with their parenting can be useful to a degree, but at a certain point becomes irrelevant as well.
IRRELEVANT.
You know what’s RELEVANT when it comes to parenting?
What I decide based on my UNIQUE set of CIRCUMSTANCES.
That’s it.
People think they know what’s best for you and what you should do, but they’re wrong.
No one else knows what’s best for you except you and the Man Upstairs.
What matters is what YOU think about yourself and your parenting.
I’ve had a fair amount of friends ask me about my “mom energy.”
I’ll be honest, it surprises me when I’m asked, because I prior to this week’s podcast I hadn’t put too much conscious thought into my motherhood energy.
It also surprises me because I’m a very HUMAN mother ya’ll (if you don’t believe me ask @dannypoelmancoaching).🤣
I decided to talk about it on my solo podcast episode this week (link in bio). if you find yourself comparing and despairing to other mothers, I’ll explain why it makes sense and give you a guide to shift into something different—and revolutionary.
What I will say, is that self-investment WAS THE DOMINO that brought peace in my relationship with myself, my marriage, my parenting, my religion, and other relationships.
Working on one thing helps with everything.
The spillover effect.
It’s amazing ya’ll.
Got coaching?
If not, what are you waiting for?
You want in on a few secrets?
1) If you care about your parenting, you’re doing enough.
2) My relationships around parenting dramatically changed when I got coaching—around my marriage!
“What’s that” you say? “Marriage coaching helped you be a better mom?”
Short answer: YES.
Those marital wounds you have were likely there before you met your man; and now your new marriage circumstances are bringing the unhealed ones to a head.
Healing myself healed my resentments in my marriage.
Healing myself unlocked a newer, more playful side of me in my parenting.
Do you feel like there’s a big gap between where you are and where you want to be in your parenting?
That’s ok.
C’est normal.
My Gateway to Peaceful Parenting in a style that works for me went like this (slide right):
The best investments I’ve made in the last 4 years have all been in my brain.
What about you?
Any sense of brokenness we feel doesn’t come from his behavior.
Even if that’s what we’ve been taught to believe.
Our ‘brokenness’ comes from our thinking patterns in our brain.
“Stop it” you say.
“How is this possible?!?”
👎🏻We have been taught that men turn to porn when they’re not getting “enough” from their spouses or girlfriends.
👎🏻We have been taught that we’re responsible for giving him what he “needs.”
👎🏻We are taught that if he does look at porn it can also be because there is something wrong with us.
👎🏻We have been taught that porn use breaks families apart.
👎🏻And so.much.more.
Whether explicit or implicit, this is taught to us—and a lot of us internalize these messages from a young age.
To top it all off, porn is a ‘taboo’ subject that no one likes to talk about. 🙅🏼♀️
Consequently, many of us self-isolate, receive no support in our pain or confusion, and things compound. 🙇🏼♀️
This is not a fun place to be AMIRIGHT?
But…
THESE MESSAGES ARE FALSE.
Whether passed down by men OR women, they are simply NOT true.
THE OVERARCHING PROBLEM WITH THESE TEACHINGS IS IT CREATES THIS ILLUSION THAT WE, WOMEN, HAVE CONTROL OVER OTHER PEOPLE’S CHOICES. 🤦🏼♀️
And we don’t.
If we did, we would have stopped our husbands from looking, because I know us women, and we are resourceful. 💪🏻
If you are a woman (or man) and believe any of these messages, you’re normal. Nothing is wrong for believing or thinking these things are true.
Some of these ideas have been passed down for 1000’s of years.
Now, ask yourself:
❓Even if I believe those ideas are true, is it helping me to think this way?
❓Is it getting me the connected relationship that I want?
❓Do I want to keep believing this?
If you don’t want to anymore, it is possible.
Unlearning stuff that some human somewhere 1000’s of years ago decided was true, this can be done.
What else could change after we knock down this domino?
The ripple effect of that my friend, it has no end. 🔆
I promise.
Your husband isn’t broken.
He never was.
He just hasn’t learned to walk that tightrope yet.🚶🏽
And here we are, irresponsibly (although conditioned to believe this) invested in his tightrope walking success.
We’re clenching from the sidelines, nervous, anxious, wanting so badly for him to cross—and he is too.
He’s thinking about him, and us too.
He doesn’t want to let himself down.
He doesn’t want to let you and other loved ones down.
He doesn’t want to be left in the dust.
He’s scared too.❤️
But we’re forgetting something.
NO. ONE. TAUGHT. HIM. YET.
And when he falls, we’re all devastated.
Yet he gets up.🙏🏻
And we get our hopes up again.
So here’s the deal my dear dear friends.
He isn’t broken.🤍
He never was.💙
He just hasn’t found his trainer yet.
And it doesn’t have to be you.
If you’ve never walked that tightrope before, it shouldn’t have to be you.
It doesn’t need to be you—even if it feels like you’re the only one.
That isn’t true.
Let him find a trainer.💪🏻
It may be the most loving thing you can do for yourself—and him—and your marriage.💍
Ever get confused when you hear this phrase?
Like, “Optional? How?”
Or does it seem like you feel first then think?
Tune into today’s podcast to clear up any confusion and get some real-life examples on how to shift thoughts that don’t serve you.
The tiniest changes can create radical change over time.
Trust me.
Xxx