Telling yourself that you are powerless. Helpful or not? For me, NOT! For every guy that ends up coming to me for coaching? NOT! Why we tell ourselves we’re powerless? For one thing, it’s become a tradition in 12-steps groups (NOTE: studies suggest that only 5%-10% of people find success with 12-steps groups). In The Church of Jesus Christ, 12-steps is called ARP (Addiction Recovery Program). And the ones who do find “success” there, or lasting sobriety, many of them still walk around telling themselves they are powerless, and still wishing they could turn to their habit. More importantly, many of us have pretty painful stories we tell ourselves when we start to take responsibility for all of our choices with pornography.

Most guys, when starting this work (including my past-self), have a hard time wrapping their mind around the idea that maybe it was always a choice. Maybe they’ve always had the power to choose. And if they always had the power to choose, that means that they used their power to choose porn. And what do we make it mean when we actually used our power to choose porn? Usually a terrible, no-good, shame-filled, all-out attack on ourselves and our character. A should-y conversation where we should all over ourselves. The biggest self-beatdown we can muster. Because we think: the bigger the beatdown for choosing porn, the more likely we’ll be to not choose it again. Works great, doesn’t it?

Actually, the more painful we make it for ourselves to accept that we chose porn all along, the more difficult it is to claim your power. Your already-existing power. Your always-existed power. Your always-will-exist power. Shame is not the answer. Love and acceptance are more powerful. Change requires power. If I were to sum up what I do as a coach: I would say that I show guys how to more fully access their own, built-in, already-existing power. I don’t give them all the answers. I show them their brain, and where their power is, and they, using their power, find their own way to success.

Yes, I offer them a lot of support and many tools along the way to help them know where to direct this power, to help streamline the process. But it’s still a process. And that’s okay. Because we’re playing the long-game here. We’re going for sustainability. For regular, intentional healing. For genuine enrichment of our lives. For greater love and enjoyment.

2 Questions: What already-existing power might you be ignoring in your efforts to quit porn? How can you make it easier for yourself to access that power?

Listen to the full episode HERE.

Lindsay and Danny Poelman are certified life coaches and are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Danny helps guys to stop looking at pornography (and be happy about it) and make their real life and/or marriage what they want it to be. Lindsay helps women let go of the fantasy marriage that doesn’t exist and create the marriage of their dreams in real life.